Swatting Grasshoppers

Remember the other day, when I was telling ya about the cashier person at K-Mart and how I got this real good deal on some outdoor furniture?

Well, I got it home. All excited! I’m finally gonna have some nice looking outdoor furniture! Chairs that are gonna be comfortable to sit in. Maybe now I will get to sit outside a little more.


We called The Captain’s parents down, since they live shouting distance away.

“Hey, ya’ll, come down here and see what we got.” Cause we’re sharing like that.

Yep, called the family down. Everybody standing and sitting around, while we got it out of the box and unwrapped the 16 layers of plastic from around each and every dang piece. 14 pieces in all.

Got ready to get the screwdrivers. I figured if each of us got a screwdriver, we could have it together and be sitting, in no time flat.

You know, admiring them with the seat of our pants. ha

A couple of them were rockers. We would have had to take turns sitting in those.

“Hey, would ya try this out. Comfy ain’t it?”

Anyway, before we went off to get the screwdrivers, we had to know what kind. Right?

Phillips or straight or those funny looking square metric things.

Would you believe there was not one screw in the whole box. That’s right, we’ve got lawn furniture we can’t sit in. No admiring from the seat of our pants. No comparing the regular chair to the rocker. Nothing.

You know me! I got on the phone with K-Mart. Asked for the lawn and garden department.

 And sat on hold for seven minutes.

Hung up. Called back. “Lawn and Garden, pleez.” Sat on hold another 2 minutes. Finally, someone answers. I explained the situation.

The first thing out of her mouth, “You can bring it back and we’ll give you a full refund.”

Me: “I don’t want to bring it back, I want the screws, so I can put it together.”

Lawn person: “I don’t think we have anymore of those, but you can bring it back and we’ll give you a full refund.”

Me: “You had a set on display. If you could give me one of those screws or bolts or whatever they are, I could go to the local home improvement store and match them up and buy my own.”

(Cause since I got a good deal on them, I didn’t mind buying the hardware.)

Lawn person: I don’t think we have that one left. But you could bring it back and we’ll give you your money back.”

By this time I was tired of hearing that “easy way out” line!

Lawn person: Maam, Maam are you there?

Me: “Yes, I’m here, but I ain’t happy!”

Lawn person: “Could you hold on, I want to check something?”

Me: “Sure.”

Another 4 minutes later…

Store Manager: “Maam, how can I help you?” I explained the dilemma again.

Store Manager: “Maam, what would like us to do?”

(Oh, I don’t know? Stand on your head, make funny faces and get carried away by the flying monkeys from Laura’s blogsite!)

Me: “I want the screws to the chairs.”

(I wanted to say, get me the dang screws, you idiot! What do you think I want you to do?)

Okay, I’m gonna shorten this…

Basically, they don’t have any more of those lawn sets in stock. And won’t be getting any. No one bothered to check to see if the one on display was still there. And because they are metric, they will be hard to match up, according to the store manager. He can get on the phone with the manufacturer and order them for me, but it may take a couple of weeks to get them.

Naturally, I told him to order them for me. Two days later, I get a call from him. They have been ordered. A set for me and a set for the ones they have in the store. (What set in the store? Did one appear out of nowhere???)

The bad news is, it will take 8 weeks to get them.

Guess I now, know, why I got such a good deal, huh!

So, next spring, I will have a new set of lawn furniture to sit in.

Cause, by the time those come in, it will probably be snowing or something.

What I wanna know is…

What happened to the set that was in the box originally?

And what about the ones that were in the box that appeared out of nowhere?

I have come to the conclustion that, somewhere in South Carolina there is a theif, under the cover of darkness, selling hot lawn furniture hardware!

And, probably, doing pretty well at it.

In the meantime, we’ll spend our Labor Day sitting in the yard, on the ground, swatting at the grasshoppers and squashing the ants who are trying to steal our chicken.

What’re you doing on this long weekend?